Friday 5 March 2010

Things to do this summer

The sun came out for a bit today so i decided to put up my indispencible guide to summer activities.

1. Forest/Grass Fires: Wait till the grass gets nice and dry, ignite in a few strategic area's then retire to a safe hidden vantage point for a fun packed day. See also Doing the School Bins 

2. Urban Camping: Set up camp on a bit of waste land then spend the rest of the night walking around throwing stones at windows, posting dogs parcels through peoples letter boxes, breaking into schools, legging it everytime a car can be heard, pinching peoples milk in the morning. Just like Chris Bonnington but without your toes falling off or a randy yeti ripping the tent from your shivering sleeping bodies.

3. Day Trips: Every once in a while you're going to end up at 'World of Bee's' or 'The George Formby Museum of St Bernard Films'. Just rush around all the attractions acting the goat, being a cheeky monkey then head straight to the gift shop and chore as many rubber spiders/maginifying glasses/super balls as your pockets will carry. Job done Pedro.

4. Swings: Finding a long length of thick rope can be enought to bestow god like status on a person, just like those fruity bears did to that gay robot in Star War. All you need now is a dangerously high railway bridge over a steep embankment, or tree over a shopping trolley filled river. Alton Towers can go fuck itself to death because its all about swings Daisy Duke.

5. Country Walks: Here's my advice, get off the public footpaths and get amongst the nature, feel at one with the mother planet because theres a whole world of summer activities waiting for you. Breaking into barns, smashing up tractors, setting fire to haystacks, getting legged off by farmers whilst telling your mates that they use shotgun cartidges filled with salt pellets, chucking stones at cows, robbing boxes of crisps from the food tent in a deserted girl guide camp then wishing you had pinched some drinks...Nature

6. Traps: From cavemen to the Viet Cong they knew how to have fun in the summer and what better way to test your woodcraft skills. You can start easy by digging a big fuck off pit on a footpath and covering it with twigs and ferns, or you can go proper ramboesque and fashion a elaborate trap using nooses, bendy tree's and punji sticks.

7. Lido: There's only one thing to remember about a day at the lido, thats its perfectly acceptable to have ones piss pipe poking out of your speedo's when emerging from the water.Well James Bond


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